Out of the Hole

I turn 21 in exactly two weeks and I have no idea how I've lived for over two decades. At this point in life I like to get practical gifts, like kitchen supplies or money. The only "frivolous" gift I asked for was a new tattoo. Last year I asked for grocery money. It's kind of sad that I had to ask my family to give me money for sustenance as a birthday gift.

I'm still trying to figure out this whole "adulting" business. In the past couple of months I've managed to set my oven on fire and burn myself with hot oil (I now have a scar). I got a pet hedgehog and he the most antisocial pet I've ever had. Even the fish I had in elementary school would follow my finger. Not Harry (the hedgehog). His desires consist of running on his wheel, burrowing, and monching on food. All of which he does at night, while I sleep. Anytime he is up while I'm awake I will roll off of my bed and crawl towards his cage to take photos/videos. He has poor eyesight and can only sense motion and shadows, so in order to not spook him I must take these precautions.

Back in August my dog died. I was the only person he really connected with, and he was my first dog. He was diagnosed with Cushing's disease my freshman year of college and it eventually took his life. I had been at school for less than a week when his legs gave out and, the following day, his neck muscles. My mom waited until I was done with my first week of school to tell me. We believe he waited until I was gone to finally give in to his disease and let go. He was my best friend and last semester was the hardest time of my life. A lot of people I cut out tried to reenter my life, my dog died, I got food poisoning, and I had an epic fight with my roommate. All of this happened in the first week.

I've gone through periods of major depression, wanting to kill myself desperately, but holding out for some reason. There is one Rupi Kaur quote that really resonates with me (I know how freaking original). "And here you are living despite it all." I've been suicidal off and on since I was 14, and through every panic attack and serious thought of committing suicide I have lived. I can look back to the hardest parts of my life and think "I made it through then, why not now?" Lately I've been wanting to get this quote tattooed on my body as a reminder that I have been through hell and made it out.

I'm doing a lot better this semester, although I've been lonelier. One of my roommates has moved out and the other is constantly busy, meaning I'm home alone a lot. I'm trying to put in more effort to make plans with friends and get out of the apartment. I still have sad days and cry a lot (I'm a water sign I can't help it), but I'm getting myself back into who I really am.

#loneliness #school #babble #friends #college #life