Mistakes
How do we know when we've made a mistake? Is there a way?
These are the questions I've been asking myself. The highest grade I can pull is a B and half the people in my hall think I'm annoying. I haven't been out in like three weeks and I miss the joy of the first month, when everyone was desperate for friends. I thought the guys out here would be better than the ones back home. It seems like they're just as crappy. And of course I'm currently hung up on a guy who is in Ohio. That's probably the biggest factor in me questioning my move. I hate that I'm putting so much effort into thinking about a boy and not my future, but I can't avoid what-ifs.
As a Pisces, it is ridiculously hard to not fantasize about what could happen. What could happen if he lived here. What could happen if I lived there. What could happen if he seemed interested in more than sex. Yeah, I said the "s" word. Every Friday he texts me when he gets drunk and he talks about hooking up when we're both back home at the same time. He'll only text me on Fridays. It's probably because he doesn't want to think about me for anything but being a booty call and he is unable to get any other girls to have sex with him. I want more than sex. I want a relationship. I want to watch Game of Thrones with him and do his makeup even though he objects twenty times but eventually lets me win because he knows I'm stubborn and he likes that about me. I want to cuddle and tell him about my deepest fears and wishes. I want something real. But instead he texts me about hooking up. Having my heart broken every week on Friday kinda puts a wrench in my weekend fun.
I never wanted to be the girl who got hung up on a guy. I always made fun of those girls and told everyone I would never let a stupid boy play with my emotions like that. And yet here I am, and I still text him back. Because I'm more afraid he'll stop texting than I am that I'll get hurt. I'm so scared of being alone that I let him walk all over me. We only text when he wants to. We only talk about certain things when he wants to. He has me under his finger and I don't think he even realizes what he's doing to me.
I hate boys.
