Loneliness
One thing no one really talks about when you get to college is loneliness. Speaking as a freshman who went out of state, being lonely is a reoccurring theme in my life as of late. Everyone takes their family for granted before they leave, not realizing that no one will hug you every morning or night, and sit and cuddle while you watch Netflix. Obviously there are some exceptions, like if you have a significant other who can provide you with physical contact. Which leads me to my next point. Everyone becomes desperate for a boyfriend or girlfriend when they get to college, and most probably don't realize why. It's the physical contact. That's why so many people start hooking up as soon as they get one ounce of loneliness in their systems.
I wasn't homesick at all for the first two weeks. And then my roommate went home for the weekend. That was the first time I cried since saying goodbye to my dad. I hugged my pillow and felt the overwhelming sadness of being completely alone. That isn't to say I didn't have any friends-- my whole hall was rather close for at least the first month. But as the fifth week approached, cliques started forming and the cracks in the foundation started to show themselves.
I started becoming aware of people not laughing at as many of my jokes. I said "you guys totally would've laughed at that three weeks ago when you were trying to be my friend!" I was kidding, but it did sting a little to know that my novelty had worn off. First it was the jokes, and then came the unresponsive stares. Our hall has an open door policy (basically if you are willing and able, keep your door open so people can say hi), and I would peek my head into doors, cheerily saying hello to the residents. Within the past couple weeks, some of the girls just look at me and uncomfortably say "hi" back. I thought this was weird. And then came last Monday.
So far as I knew, my roommate and I were totally cool and had zero issues. So when she sat me down and explained that she and our neighbor decided they wanted to be roommates instead, I was in shock. Did she find me so repulsive to live with that she had to switch within one month of knowing me? I excused myself from the room and called my mother immediately. I felt heartbroken. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I decided to write my roommate a letter and apologize for anything I'd done and wanted to let her know I cherished our friendship and asked if there was anything I could do. She never acknowledged my letter. All week, she pretended that she hadn't said anything and that we were completely normal. Then, on Wednesday morning, she said "our RA can meet with us at 5." That was the first time we had spoken about it since, and it turns out it wasn't even by her choice. Our neighbors, who we were switching with, wanted to schedule a meeting for the four of us. I said yes, and it was the most awkward meeting. We decided to go forward with the switch if it got approved, and went our separate ways.
Now it's Friday night and my roommate went home for the weekend as did her future roommate. Now I'm left in an empty room in an empty hall, the residents of which may not even like me. So I decided to update this blog on the loneliness that I've experienced at college. Don't take it lightly. Go home for Thanksgiving if you can. Your family misses you.
